Personal Journey Entry # 47

I am not sure if I have downplayed or denied the power of Cancer during this ten-month journey. I do know that I was adamant that Cancer was not going to control my life, nor define me. I never felt any specific pain from the tumor in my esophagus, but the fatigue factor has been undeniable, and it only seems to be getting worse. The failed procedures and treatments are behind us, but I feel that this healing process has been more challenging than the disease itself. Maybe I didn’t ask the right questions, or maybe there are no definite answers about how you are supposed to feel at each stage of the journey. Still, I feel like this moment in time is the most challenging to date; physically, mentally, and even emotionally. I feel powerless as we look ahead to December 10 and our date with Dr. Tompkins to find out if all the radiation and chemo were worthwhile. Powerless and frustrating are synonymous in my book.

I am convinced that the radiation damaged my heart. I know the physicists are supposed to map the radiation to protect your major organs. Still, my target and heart are so close that radiation spillage was inevitable. I usually have A-fib 2-5% of the time. I am currently in 100% A-fib, which is contributing to the fatigue and presenting other physical issues. I had two sessions of Cardioversion where they hit me with the paddles to reset the heart rhythm, but they were unsuccessful. We are relying on changes to my meds to get things under control. During my four days in the hospital last week, my heart rate was in the 120s, and my blood pressure was around 85 over 65. The numbers are better now and hopefully holding.

Amazingly, I am frustrated by all the twists and turns of the battle, but I have no fear. We have had more than our share of setbacks, but I still have faith that this story will have a positive conclusion. Is it blind faith or total belief that God is with us every step of the way? I am not a gambler, but my chips are on the latter. When I surrendered to Christ in January, it was not just a gesture, but a commitment. God has a plan, and we are on board for the full ride. I will pray for more patience, and we will get through this phase.

As always, thanks for stopping by, and especially for the emails and text messages of love and encouragement. They are truly the best medicine. May God bless you and hold you in His merciful arms. Until next time, Ray