Personal Journey Entry # 11

Over the years, one of the most prevalent conversations around the water cooler was about vacations, past or future, and the incredible need to shut down and take a break. Work was just the interruption between vacations or holidays. I have enjoyed fantastic trips in my life, but I could never shut down. I have visited the Dominican Republic numerous times and traveled to Ireland. The first things I packed were my camera and computer. Every day started with coffee (the best in the world in the DR and the worst in Ireland) and my laptop. Checking emails and morning reports was more important than a mimosa on the beach. Even at Bear Pond, my favorite spot on earth, my friend Tim often saw me in the front room working on my iPad at two in the morning. That is a long intro to say I am not a fan of idol time or sleep.

Downtime is a curse when you have been diagnosed with cancer, and you are in limbo, waiting for tests and solutions. That is where I am today. I parked the bus for the week and am on vacation. Shay and I are in our happy place in the Turner Highlands. Our new home is a paradise for us and Jazzee, too, but it is not an escape from my mind. It is racing and I am obsessed with the calendar, counting the days to the next appointment, the next step. For me, there are too many days. Some might say I need more help between my ears than in my esophagus.

I have not felt myself this week. Each day, I am more off-kilter. The problem is I cannot separate possible symptoms from my imagination. I spent a good chunk of yesterday in bed or soaking in the jet tub. I was trying to shake off incredible malaise, but I was also feeling an increase in discomfort in my chest and throat areas. I don’t want to label the feelings as pain but as increased discomfort. Swallowing is not difficult, but my throat feels constricted and more irritated by the day. There is a numb pain in my chest that is becoming more constant and acute. I know these feelings are real, but if related to the cancer, it is in question. Evaluating these feelings and thoughts will be paramount during my first Thursday morning session with the Dempsey Team.

Next week begins the process of recovery. Every day is either tests or follow-up. That will be more to my liking and peace of mind. The answers may not always be what we want to hear, but we have faith that every step is essential on this journey. We are keeping our eye on the prize and the sound of that beautiful bell.

Thank you for letting me ramble this morning, but more importantly, thank you for your calls, cards, visits, and, most of all, your love and support. I love you all. God Bless you.