Personal Journey Entry # 4

It may be a cliche, but this journey will not be a sprint. We do not yet know what we are up against, which is part of the challenge. I do not want to condemn the healthcare system, but it is safe to say it is broken. I have never been patient when reaching a goal, but I can see already that I will have to temper my expectations. So much of what lies ahead will be out of our hands, and the wheels will turn slowly. The Endoscopy that I had in January that uncovered the cancer in my esophagus was scheduled over 5 months ago. We think we have caught this disease in its early stages, but could we have caught it even sooner? We will never know. A week ago, my PCP and oncologist stressed the urgency of scheduling the needed tests. We wasted no time, but the system runs on a different timetable. I was able to schedule an Endoscopy/Ultrasound in three weeks. That is the absolute soonest we could lock-in. That test is to re-examine the damaged area and measure the depth of the invasion. If the cancer is superficial, then we can avoid surgery. If the tumor has dug in below the surface, then some of my esophagus may need to be removed. That is a big difference in procedure/recovery/success. The PET Scan, which is essential to determine if the disease has spread to other areas of my body, is still under review by my insurance carrier, so we cannot even call Shields for an appointment. Tick-Tock, Tick-Tock!

We are hanging onto hope and faith. Since we do not know the next steps, hope is all we can do. I am trying to stay strong, but I do crack at least once a day. My head is still racing, but I am documenting my thoughts and prioritizing each. The outpouring of support and well-wishes is overwhelming. I knew we had the best support team possible, but I never imagined how big our team was. It gives us strength, and then there is faith. I have always been a spiritual, if not a religious, person. I do not understand how you can look at this incredibly beautiful world and deny the higher power who designed it all. Shay matches my spirituality but trumps my religious beliefs. She is a powerful source of inspiration to have by my side. If I feel myself slipping, her grip of my hand or hug lifts me off the mat.

I have never been fond of singular pronouns. There are very few things in life we go through alone. I put far more importance on the we of Shay and me than on me or I. The answers will come slowly. We will be patient, and then we can move on to the next phase of this challenge, the battle.